Well it's been awhile since I've written anything on here. I suppose I sort of forgot about it in all the commotion of the last few months. 'Cept for when i think back on it, nothing really has happened. Except for school. That's what the last few months have consisted of. Worrying about school. Studying for school. Doing homework for school. Never in my life have I been so utterly consumed by my classes and my grades. But junior year counts. Junior year is what matters. So it's worth it, right? God, I don't know if that justifies it. I don't like what my life is becoming. I don't want to remember my days as a sixteen year old like this... and yet I don't see any other options. I won't allow bad grades. And I'm not dropping any of my classes. So that leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Joy. Just where I want to be.
At the same time, my lack of attention on all things not school related has made me realize something: I'm not missing out on much. The people I call my friends aren't really that interesting to me anymore. It is slightly upsetting.
I use way to many adverbs.
And Say Anything concert is Friday. And the New Moon premiere is Thursday night. And my research paper is due soon. And I've only got a few more weeks to push my B's up. And I'm giving it my all. And I'm doing all I can. And that scares me.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Lie to My Face, Please.
I am SO entirely sick of people's bullshit. Of lies, of excuses, of the overall lack of respect and common decency. What happened to HONESTY and telling the truth? I get that lying is easy, but c'mon, you have to grow up and face the real world at some point. But then again, some people never do. I'm sure there will be plenty that will lie, scheme, and manipulate their way to their graves. Since when did having a conscience matter anyways?
....No ones perfect, but I believe there is a pretty obvious line between what is good and what is malicious, and seeing as we are in highschool, we should no longer be blind to that. It's clear enough for me. The alterior motives of a sixth grader should be left behind in elementary school, where they most certainly belong. When wrong is done--which is something hard to steer away from--lying doesn't do ANYBODY any good. You cheat life, you cheat yourself. Right?
And where does that leave me? Constantly accepting apolgies, being taken advantage of for my tendency to forgive? Lie, apology, forgiveness, lie, apology, forgiveness... over and over and over again. I. Am. So. Absolutely. Frustrated... and disappointed in the people I love most. How hard is it to tell the truth?
so i sit here, wondering if those friends that I've always had, are really what I need. Maybe there won't be anyone else to support me, or to tell me the truth, but this is getting old. My friend reminded me recently that you cant make anyones decisions for them. You cant change their choices or actions. Although I may want or expect something from my best friends, I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. In the end, they make their own choices, not I. But still, I'm so lost. How did I get here? In a place where frustration is the closest friend I've got.
....No ones perfect, but I believe there is a pretty obvious line between what is good and what is malicious, and seeing as we are in highschool, we should no longer be blind to that. It's clear enough for me. The alterior motives of a sixth grader should be left behind in elementary school, where they most certainly belong. When wrong is done--which is something hard to steer away from--lying doesn't do ANYBODY any good. You cheat life, you cheat yourself. Right?
And where does that leave me? Constantly accepting apolgies, being taken advantage of for my tendency to forgive? Lie, apology, forgiveness, lie, apology, forgiveness... over and over and over again. I. Am. So. Absolutely. Frustrated... and disappointed in the people I love most. How hard is it to tell the truth?
so i sit here, wondering if those friends that I've always had, are really what I need. Maybe there won't be anyone else to support me, or to tell me the truth, but this is getting old. My friend reminded me recently that you cant make anyones decisions for them. You cant change their choices or actions. Although I may want or expect something from my best friends, I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. In the end, they make their own choices, not I. But still, I'm so lost. How did I get here? In a place where frustration is the closest friend I've got.
Monday, April 27, 2009
ah
I just want to post something about how completely frustrated i am right now.
aurpw94eruwpojf;sadfjalsdjl;sdfj;dsafjlsadjfskfjsa;fjs;dlfjs;aldfj;sladfjl;sfjls;afjasdflasd;lfjsl;adfjl;sdaf.
yeah, i just wasted a post on something that insignifigant.
aurpw94eruwpojf;sadfjalsdjl;sdfj;dsafjlsadjfskfjsa;fjs;dlfjs;aldfj;sladfjl;sfjls;afjasdflasd;lfjsl;adfjl;sdaf.
yeah, i just wasted a post on something that insignifigant.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Grow
just something i felt like posting.
hm.
It started out as a seed,
A doubt, a suspicion.
Small, but pernicious.
And like all seeds,
With time came growth.
And the doubt and the suspicion
Within him grew with it.
Soon, nothing could satiate this hunger for the truth,
The search became him.
His physical appearance eroded away and a dowdy man came to be
Her inculcation of the truth only watered the
Growing plant inside of him.
Her persistent claims of the fallacy of his suspicions
Were specious in his eyes.
Everything she did was a salient indicator of her disloyalty.
He was jealousy
And jealousy was him.
She did not love him, said he.
She did not want him, said he.
She did not stay faithful, said he.
She did not deserve him, said he.
She was censurable.
And forgiveness was no matter of contingency.
His trust for her, his love for her,
Was seared and ruined.
What was once a small seed,
Grew into a monster.
hm.
It started out as a seed,
A doubt, a suspicion.
Small, but pernicious.
And like all seeds,
With time came growth.
And the doubt and the suspicion
Within him grew with it.
Soon, nothing could satiate this hunger for the truth,
The search became him.
His physical appearance eroded away and a dowdy man came to be
Her inculcation of the truth only watered the
Growing plant inside of him.
Her persistent claims of the fallacy of his suspicions
Were specious in his eyes.
Everything she did was a salient indicator of her disloyalty.
He was jealousy
And jealousy was him.
She did not love him, said he.
She did not want him, said he.
She did not stay faithful, said he.
She did not deserve him, said he.
She was censurable.
And forgiveness was no matter of contingency.
His trust for her, his love for her,
Was seared and ruined.
What was once a small seed,
Grew into a monster.
Three Quarters Down, One More To Go
School is almost over. And I'm counting down the days. In the long run, it is kind of sad that this year is going by so fast, and ultimately, that high school is going by so fast. But.. for now, I'd just like it to be done with. The stress, the late nights, the constant juggling, it just gets to be such a nightmare. Then again, I love it. But the prospect of summer is turning school into something I'd love to be over. Each day drags on. But looking back, each weeks flys. This year has been good to me...so far.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
United By Music
Music unites us. We may not be aware of it, in all the years we are to be on this earth it may not even cross our minds once, but music is the invisible thread that ties us all together. Some how, some way, music unites each and every one of us. Right now, at this very moment, there are 305,593,054 people living and breathing in the United States. 305,593,054 beating hearts. 611,186,108 listening ears. Chances are 50,000 of those people are listening to music. Whether it be music from their phone, music on the radio on their way to work, or music blaring from their iPod buds as they go on their morning walk; it’s all music. Now, with over 300 million people in our nation, there’s bound to be diversity in music preference. That’s inevitable. But perhaps 10 of those people are coincidently listening to the same song. The same lyrics. The same tune. The same beat. Those people, no matter who they are or what they are, are hearing and feeling together, without even knowing it. They’re tapping their feet to the same beat, and humming to the same melody. Maybe that music is saving their lives, inspiring them, calming them down, or cheering them up. Completely unaware of it, these people are apart of something bigger then themselves.
Now, keep in mind, that these people are just people to music. The people could be black, white, or purple for all music cares. Music doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what brand your jeans are, how much you weigh, how many friends you have, or what president you voted for last election. Nor does music take notice in the way you talk or walk or act. Music doesn’t care. Music isn’t here to judge you, its just here to be your companion. To understand you when no one else does. To put your thoughts into the words that you could never find. To tell you it’s okay to cry when your worlds crashing down or to lighten your heart when you’re happy. Music can always slow down to the adagio moments in life, or match the speed of the allegro times that overwhelm us.
Music has the power to grasp a hold of your very essence, more so than anything else. Music speaks, fluently I might add, the language of our souls that no one else has managed to translate. Look at a concert for example. Take a second, just a second, and tear your eyes away from the performer and look into the eyes and the faces of the people around you. I bet you can see the adoration and passion that’s just emanating off of them. I can only imagine the thoughts in everyone’s minds as they all stand together; united by the verses of songs they know like old friends. The staccato beats of their hearts pounding in quiet unison. It doesn’t matter who they are. They’re here for one reason, because their love of music. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a concert, but let me tell you about the feeling. It’s like being a part of something bigger. It’s like being in a group of friends because everyone at that concert has at least one thing to relate to. These people that you’ve never met before suddenly share a very real and important part of you.
Music can put up walls that block everything but your thoughts and feelings out and music can tear down the fences that our society has built for us to so obediently imprison ourselves within. With headphones in your ears, or the boom box blasting, you can forget about your worries, you can be somewhere else. We’re all looking to be understood, we all have that in common, and we can find that level of understanding in music. Music weaves its way through humanity and pulls us all in like the bars in a stanza pull together notes. Because we, the people of America, are so much like music. Alone, one note is just a sound, but when notes are combined beautiful songs can be created, works of art even. Alone, we are just but a person, but together we can change the world.
Now, keep in mind, that these people are just people to music. The people could be black, white, or purple for all music cares. Music doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what brand your jeans are, how much you weigh, how many friends you have, or what president you voted for last election. Nor does music take notice in the way you talk or walk or act. Music doesn’t care. Music isn’t here to judge you, its just here to be your companion. To understand you when no one else does. To put your thoughts into the words that you could never find. To tell you it’s okay to cry when your worlds crashing down or to lighten your heart when you’re happy. Music can always slow down to the adagio moments in life, or match the speed of the allegro times that overwhelm us.
Music has the power to grasp a hold of your very essence, more so than anything else. Music speaks, fluently I might add, the language of our souls that no one else has managed to translate. Look at a concert for example. Take a second, just a second, and tear your eyes away from the performer and look into the eyes and the faces of the people around you. I bet you can see the adoration and passion that’s just emanating off of them. I can only imagine the thoughts in everyone’s minds as they all stand together; united by the verses of songs they know like old friends. The staccato beats of their hearts pounding in quiet unison. It doesn’t matter who they are. They’re here for one reason, because their love of music. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a concert, but let me tell you about the feeling. It’s like being a part of something bigger. It’s like being in a group of friends because everyone at that concert has at least one thing to relate to. These people that you’ve never met before suddenly share a very real and important part of you.
Music can put up walls that block everything but your thoughts and feelings out and music can tear down the fences that our society has built for us to so obediently imprison ourselves within. With headphones in your ears, or the boom box blasting, you can forget about your worries, you can be somewhere else. We’re all looking to be understood, we all have that in common, and we can find that level of understanding in music. Music weaves its way through humanity and pulls us all in like the bars in a stanza pull together notes. Because we, the people of America, are so much like music. Alone, one note is just a sound, but when notes are combined beautiful songs can be created, works of art even. Alone, we are just but a person, but together we can change the world.
Monday, March 30, 2009
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