Imprisonment

sometimes we put ourselves in our own personal prisons. We lock ourselves up and chain ourselves down with an idea or concept. Sometimes it's self doubt, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's a place we've left, or a time we'll never have back, or a person we'll never see again. We let those things trap us, or more like we trap ourselves there with those ideas. We don't let ourselves move on. It's like we're trying to run with cement shoes. We let things or people or places dominate our every waking thought, and somehow we form our lives around it. We dwell. We drown in self pity. We can't seem find our way out of the prison we built for ourselves, when in reality all we have to do is open the door and walk out. We're the only ones preventing us from leaving. We hold the keys. But, We choose to be imprisoned, maybe not inentionally, but our mind's don't let us walk out. Our minds dont think it's possible, but once we've stepped out, we realize how easy it was all along. how the solution was there the whole time. SOmetimes we need a little shove to come to this realization, but with one little step it all comes clear. And within moments we're running out. And as easy as that, we break through our own jail cells and chains.

i've let this become my prison... if only i had the will power to get out.

Misunderstood

I've got ten thousand things to get done, but all I can bring myself to do is sit here and feel like shit. Sometimes, I just don't understand why people say the things they say. It's not worth it anymore. I'm trying so hard to not be the person I was before. I've got reasons for the way I am. I've got reasons I do the things I do and if they don't understand that I don't what I can do. I can't stand to watch my words and actions hurt one more guy. But after all that, after everything I say and do to prevent that, I don't deserve this. I know I'm not an angel, but i'm trying my hardest for THEM. No one gets it. Nobody at all.

Empty

i hate that empty feeling when your with someone that used to make you complete. That feeling of hollowness. Of longing and regret for what is gone and cannot be replaced.

"Sometimes, instead of taking other people for granted, we take ourselves. we sit back, and look at spectacular things happening right before our eyes, but don't jump to the opportunity to be a part of it. we deserve love, hope, and happiness, but we are SO focused on making others happy, that we forget about ourselves. we forget what happiness is, and what it truly means to be "happy." these people are the ones who deserve the best. because they are the ones who put their peacefulness behind others."

this always makes me think. That doesn't tie together at all. But it's what I'm thinking about, and therefore I'm posting it.

For I am Whole

Today at school, I got into a discussion with a friend about how long it takes to "get over" a breakup. She asked me something along the lines of, "well how long did it take you to get over him after that break up?". The question took me off guard. For a second, as our whole story, our whole history, our whole relationship...and its abrupt end flashed through my mind, I just looked at her. It's not something I think about often. In fact, until today, it hadn't crossed my mind for weeks. But nonetheless, there it was again. In the back of my mind. So, I allowed myself to think about it. To think back on it. The memories are easy to access. They're right there, as if behind a thin gossamer wall of sorts, just aching to be released. Nudging up against the barrier I determinedly keep up. I let them flood my mind. The first day I saw him, accompanied by the feeling that tingled within me at that moment, the day we met, the day we first kissed, the day we started dating, all the days in between, and finally, the day where it all came to a shrieking hault. The day when my world stopped rotating. The only day that really matters anymore. The bitter resentment, the aching heart, the sickness that filled my every limb, the confusion, the hurt. It's all so unreal to me now. And I wonder why I block even the littlest of thoughts of him out. Anyways, thinking about it made me also think about the fact that the whole ordeal is behind me now. Which is strange to think of when I replay the many days of tears and hopeless moping. But, each day I awoke with that burden, seemingly everpresent, upon my shoulders a little lighter than the night before. Each day I found myself smiling a little more. Each day the holes I felt within making progress on the healing front. Each day the hope inside me grew just a little more. And, here I am now. Whole again. Where at a point I had felt as if I would be forever in a million little pieces, I am whole. I am okay. He will always be a part of my past, my history. His impact on me and his imprint upon my heart will not go away, but the pain he caused did fade. For I am whole. For my world spins once again. For the ache no longer exists. For I am whole.

Oh the thoughts even the littlest of words and questions bring forth.

Raiiiiny Nights.

Mm I love rain. rainy nights and amazing movies.. what a good night. I saw He's Just Not That Into You, and i gotta say i absolutely loved it. Such a cute movie. Made some pretty accurate points, like about rules and exceptions. Hm which makes me think about whether I'm gonna be the rule or the exception... But mostly it made me say "awe" and such. I belive it is now my favorite movie. It made me think of Love Actually, which is another of my favorite movies so i suppose it makes sense that I liked it a whole lot. Whats even better is that it rained tonight, Gah. The smell of it in the air and ahh everything about it. I love rainy nights. I wanna be out there. Theres no point to this blog entry, I just felt the urge to write one. Random and pointless? I think so. But oh well.

"your embarassed? I just got cock blocked by my mom."

...Thirty Four

I did one of those clever "25 things about you that no one knows" (and then some) for Facebook, but when I came to the end of it, I realized I wasnt even brave enough to post it. Like it was too personal for me to share with the world. But I wanetd to do something with it, so I figured I'd put it here.

1. My biggest fear is disappointing myself. Not living up to my own expectations.

2. It hurts me more to hurt others then to be hurt by others.

3. I HATE TEXTING. Sure, i text all the time, but i hate it. Its good for some things, but its mostly just an annoyance. If it takes me three hours to reply to a text, don't be offended, i do it to everybody. That probably wont change. I just dont have enough time to sit and reply to texts as if its the only thing i have to do...

4. I will trust you. I trust everyone. I want to trust everyone.

5. I have an inclination towards learning things. I feel like if i dont pay attention in school for two minutes, I'll miss something important. Something life altering. Therefore, i am extremely attentive when it comes to school.

6. I love writing. I write constantly throughout the day, everyday. I've got thousands of ideas in my head, and writing is the only way to lay it all out and give it structure. Writing keeps me together. But i rarely share my writing. You gotta be one special person to read what i've written.

7. Negativity is my biggest pet peeve. If you dont open your mind to positivity, you'll miss out.

8. I am so easily put off, its ridiculous. I am privately over concerned at the slightest word or look.

9. My future is what keeps me going every day. The prospect of the life I could have is what I draw inspiration from.

10. I often find myself trying to dumb myself down in front of people.

11. I will always be scared of the big dinosaur creature in the "never ending story"

12. I'm always trying to be a better person. I always work towards some kind of self recreating goal. Not that i'm discontent with myself, but its more like I want to be the best version of myself.

13. I twirl my hair when i drink milk, since i was 5.14. I love talking to new people. I will talk to anyone. I am open to any new conversation. I get bored with the monotony of the normal conversation. OPEN MY MIND.

15. I have lost a great many of friends and not offered second chances. For most, no matter how great the friendship was, the first go at it is the only. 16. I am an easy person to abuse. To take advantage of. But i catch on to it sooner or later.

16. I am very resilient.

17. I mumble. You can hardly understand me on the phone.

18. I am constantly making jokes, but my mind is complex and my thoughts are deep. At any moment I can engage in a serious conversation.

19. I am NOT what you see.

20. Reading is my PASSION. The stories I read give me hope of a better life, and better people.

21. Double stuffed holiday oreos are my weakness.

22. My music taste is bizarre. I like just about every genre.

23. I'm a nerd. I read books like Eragon and Pendragon and no one knows that.

24. I take care of people. In most friendships, i assume that role. But boy, I need to be taken care of. It gets hard to never recieve that.

25. No one thinks I'm smart. In fact, every one things I cheat my way to straight A's, but its the exact opposite. I hate cheating. I work as hard as i can for my grades.

26. I will never give myself enough credit. NEVER.

27. I'm always moving. I cannot stand still. Whether it be tapping my foot or shaking my leg, or tapping my fingers.

28. I am very easily irritated. But i only show that around people I am close to.

29. I ask questions becuase i fear awkward silences. Ask me questions back. Or i wont feel comfortable talking to you.

30. I overdramatically yell everytime i drop something. Not on purpose. Itsj ust what comes out. I cant contain it.

31. I cant describe the feeeling when something irritates me. If one thing is off, it could be anything, and its often different every time, I get this feeling. That fills me up and makes me want to scream. I need a balance. I let my irritations get the best of me.

32. Im generally not an angry person. But, when i get angry i throw things and rip things. Which is rare, but true.

33. I use sarcasm to hide my discomforts. Put me in an awkward situation and my immediate reaction will be to use sarcasm. Its kinda like a shield for me. If i dont know what to say, or if I'm nervous or uncomfortable, it's like second nature. It just comes out. I dont even think about it. I feel like sometimes my sarcasm is translated as negativity, but really its not. I'd like to say im a generally positive person. I truly dont mean what i say in sarcastic tones. The funny thing is, when im truly comfortable with you and whatever friendship or relationship we're in, i am rarely sarcastic. Sure, its there, but its like a different me. Once we get past a certain point, I let my guards down, and with my guards comes my sarcasm. I'm not sure which me is better. I wonder if sarcasm is a way to make me look tougher, and give the impression that i'm not be screwed over or messed with. Becuase in reality, i'm so fragile and easily hurt. oh man..

34. I overuse appositives.

Take it or leave it.

haha carried away, but greatful nonetheless!

you know those nights where your suddenly greatful for all the good things in your life? Yeah, I'm having one of those nights.. so i figured i'd relish in it before I snap outta it... which will be soon i'm sure.



Anyways. I got to thinking earlier how happy I am that I have the friends that I have. My three closest friends are my WORLD. Last weekend, I hung out with a girl I just recently met, and it hit me... my closest friends are one of a kind. The fun I have and the things we do together are unlike anything I could do with anybody else. And i am so happy to know that I have these three people in my life that I can truly be myself in front of. I know people say that often enough, but I really feel like I could say or do anything in front of them and they'd still love me the next day. Hm. I got lucky with that. I couldnt ask for anything more. But back to hanging out with that girl, it made me realize what I have. That those kind of friendships are hard to come across. I am constantly misunderstood. My actions and words are misinterpreted daily. But these girls know how to read me. They know me. True, we have our tiffs and fallouts and all, but whats important is that we've made it through it all. Haha wow this sounds soppy and annoying. I guess I got carried away. Basically, I love my best friends.



oh man I'm lame...

it's funny what comes out of silly school assignments..

Creatures of the past,

sometimes haunting, sometimes daunting

Sometimes acrimonious words, reheard countless times in relentless memories

Sometimes life altering events and phone calls that changed it all,

times of consternation and disbelief

sometimes ignoble actions of the once loved but forgotten,

although never completely absent,

unable to escape the unyielding grip of the memory

Sometimes periods of time seeping with odium,

contempt and hatred laced deep within each moment remembered

Sometimes memories that bring forward fresh waves of regret whenever thought back on

and although attempts made at disavowing them are often made,the memory won't allow them to be disclaimed

For we are people that are susceptibile to these creatures of the past,

the creatures that haunt us

On the outside, a flawless and unhurt facade

giving a dispassionate appearance,

but memories so full of pain and remorse replay in the mind

Happiness and precious time interrupted and dissipated by memories not soon forgotten

Some memories, you wish to alter, but the mind won't allow that

the truth of the moment forever engrained in your memory

for you can impugn a memory, but the truest and darkest truths will always prevail within the depths of your mind and these creatures of the past will never cease to exist

Words?

...hm blogging. This is new. This could be a good thing. I'm not sure yet. Somewhere to put all my thoughts, all the things running through my head constantly, I believe thats what I need. No body will probably ever read this, but hey, its not for anyone but me. I don't exactly know where to start or what to say. I suppose it'll come to me...