Hey Stranger.

Well it's been awhile since I've written anything on here. I suppose I sort of forgot about it in all the commotion of the last few months. 'Cept for when i think back on it, nothing really has happened. Except for school. That's what the last few months have consisted of. Worrying about school. Studying for school. Doing homework for school. Never in my life have I been so utterly consumed by my classes and my grades. But junior year counts. Junior year is what matters. So it's worth it, right? God, I don't know if that justifies it. I don't like what my life is becoming. I don't want to remember my days as a sixteen year old like this... and yet I don't see any other options. I won't allow bad grades. And I'm not dropping any of my classes. So that leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Joy. Just where I want to be.

At the same time, my lack of attention on all things not school related has made me realize something: I'm not missing out on much. The people I call my friends aren't really that interesting to me anymore. It is slightly upsetting.

I use way to many adverbs.

And Say Anything concert is Friday. And the New Moon premiere is Thursday night. And my research paper is due soon. And I've only got a few more weeks to push my B's up. And I'm giving it my all. And I'm doing all I can. And that scares me.

Lie to My Face, Please.

I am SO entirely sick of people's bullshit. Of lies, of excuses, of the overall lack of respect and common decency. What happened to HONESTY and telling the truth? I get that lying is easy, but c'mon, you have to grow up and face the real world at some point. But then again, some people never do. I'm sure there will be plenty that will lie, scheme, and manipulate their way to their graves. Since when did having a conscience matter anyways?

....No ones perfect, but I believe there is a pretty obvious line between what is good and what is malicious, and seeing as we are in highschool, we should no longer be blind to that. It's clear enough for me. The alterior motives of a sixth grader should be left behind in elementary school, where they most certainly belong. When wrong is done--which is something hard to steer away from--lying doesn't do ANYBODY any good. You cheat life, you cheat yourself. Right?

And where does that leave me? Constantly accepting apolgies, being taken advantage of for my tendency to forgive? Lie, apology, forgiveness, lie, apology, forgiveness... over and over and over again. I. Am. So. Absolutely. Frustrated... and disappointed in the people I love most. How hard is it to tell the truth?

so i sit here, wondering if those friends that I've always had, are really what I need. Maybe there won't be anyone else to support me, or to tell me the truth, but this is getting old. My friend reminded me recently that you cant make anyones decisions for them. You cant change their choices or actions. Although I may want or expect something from my best friends, I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. In the end, they make their own choices, not I. But still, I'm so lost. How did I get here? In a place where frustration is the closest friend I've got.

ah

I just want to post something about how completely frustrated i am right now.
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yeah, i just wasted a post on something that insignifigant.

Grow

just something i felt like posting.
hm.



It started out as a seed,
A doubt, a suspicion.
Small, but pernicious.

And like all seeds,
With time came growth.

And the doubt and the suspicion
Within him grew with it.

Soon, nothing could satiate this hunger for the truth,
The search became him.
His physical appearance eroded away and a dowdy man came to be

Her inculcation of the truth only watered the
Growing plant inside of him.

Her persistent claims of the fallacy of his suspicions
Were specious in his eyes.
Everything she did was a salient indicator of her disloyalty.

He was jealousy
And jealousy was him.

She did not love him, said he.
She did not want him, said he.
She did not stay faithful, said he.
She did not deserve him, said he.

She was censurable.
And forgiveness was no matter of contingency.

His trust for her, his love for her,
Was seared and ruined.

What was once a small seed,
Grew into a monster.

Three Quarters Down, One More To Go

School is almost over. And I'm counting down the days. In the long run, it is kind of sad that this year is going by so fast, and ultimately, that high school is going by so fast. But.. for now, I'd just like it to be done with. The stress, the late nights, the constant juggling, it just gets to be such a nightmare. Then again, I love it. But the prospect of summer is turning school into something I'd love to be over. Each day drags on. But looking back, each weeks flys. This year has been good to me...so far.

United By Music

Music unites us. We may not be aware of it, in all the years we are to be on this earth it may not even cross our minds once, but music is the invisible thread that ties us all together. Some how, some way, music unites each and every one of us. Right now, at this very moment, there are 305,593,054 people living and breathing in the United States. 305,593,054 beating hearts. 611,186,108 listening ears. Chances are 50,000 of those people are listening to music. Whether it be music from their phone, music on the radio on their way to work, or music blaring from their iPod buds as they go on their morning walk; it’s all music. Now, with over 300 million people in our nation, there’s bound to be diversity in music preference. That’s inevitable. But perhaps 10 of those people are coincidently listening to the same song. The same lyrics. The same tune. The same beat. Those people, no matter who they are or what they are, are hearing and feeling together, without even knowing it. They’re tapping their feet to the same beat, and humming to the same melody. Maybe that music is saving their lives, inspiring them, calming them down, or cheering them up. Completely unaware of it, these people are apart of something bigger then themselves.
Now, keep in mind, that these people are just people to music. The people could be black, white, or purple for all music cares. Music doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what brand your jeans are, how much you weigh, how many friends you have, or what president you voted for last election. Nor does music take notice in the way you talk or walk or act. Music doesn’t care. Music isn’t here to judge you, its just here to be your companion. To understand you when no one else does. To put your thoughts into the words that you could never find. To tell you it’s okay to cry when your worlds crashing down or to lighten your heart when you’re happy. Music can always slow down to the adagio moments in life, or match the speed of the allegro times that overwhelm us.
Music has the power to grasp a hold of your very essence, more so than anything else. Music speaks, fluently I might add, the language of our souls that no one else has managed to translate. Look at a concert for example. Take a second, just a second, and tear your eyes away from the performer and look into the eyes and the faces of the people around you. I bet you can see the adoration and passion that’s just emanating off of them. I can only imagine the thoughts in everyone’s minds as they all stand together; united by the verses of songs they know like old friends. The staccato beats of their hearts pounding in quiet unison. It doesn’t matter who they are. They’re here for one reason, because their love of music. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a concert, but let me tell you about the feeling. It’s like being a part of something bigger. It’s like being in a group of friends because everyone at that concert has at least one thing to relate to. These people that you’ve never met before suddenly share a very real and important part of you.
Music can put up walls that block everything but your thoughts and feelings out and music can tear down the fences that our society has built for us to so obediently imprison ourselves within. With headphones in your ears, or the boom box blasting, you can forget about your worries, you can be somewhere else. We’re all looking to be understood, we all have that in common, and we can find that level of understanding in music. Music weaves its way through humanity and pulls us all in like the bars in a stanza pull together notes. Because we, the people of America, are so much like music. Alone, one note is just a sound, but when notes are combined beautiful songs can be created, works of art even. Alone, we are just but a person, but together we can change the world.

Over and Over and Over Again

Life seems to be turning into another monotonous cycle. I'm stuck.

Sixteen Years and One Day

Yesterday was my sixteenth birthday. I've been alive for SIXTEEN years now. The thoughts a tad bit daunting. But nonetheless it feels good to be sixteen. It's the age i've been looking forward to since I entered Jr. High. And now, here I am. Driving, working, paying for my own things... like i said, daunting. I feel like this is a turning point. My life's piecing together slowly. I start guitar lessons in a few weeks (which i'm incredibly excited about). I've been creating the foundation for my future for awhile now, but i feel as if this is truly the time when my actions will affect what and who I am in the next ten years. That scares me too. Man, sixteen. I know soon it'll lose it's novelty and then I'll be counting down the days till eighteen... but I'm still caught up in the excitement of it. Life is flying by.

One Among Billions

Do you ever have those moments where you zone out, and suddenly the whole world comes into focus, and you realize that your just one person among billions? That your tiny in comparison to the world that we live in. I had one of those moments today. I was just sitting, doing some menial task, and oh I dont know how to explain it. Its like an out of body experience of sorts. Everything came into perspective, all sharp and clear-like. It was a true moment of clarity. Often times I think I get lost and caught up in my life. I just tumble along with my snowballing problems, letting myself become enthralled with the issues and inconsequential events of life. But something triggered some kind of snap in my mind, and it was as if I zoomed out on my life, and saw it from a birds eye point of view. I saw how small my problems were and how big the world was. Goodness, I don't know. It's a weird feeling. But I love those moments. They really put things in a different light. Hmmmm. asdfljasl;fjwler.

Imprisonment

sometimes we put ourselves in our own personal prisons. We lock ourselves up and chain ourselves down with an idea or concept. Sometimes it's self doubt, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's a place we've left, or a time we'll never have back, or a person we'll never see again. We let those things trap us, or more like we trap ourselves there with those ideas. We don't let ourselves move on. It's like we're trying to run with cement shoes. We let things or people or places dominate our every waking thought, and somehow we form our lives around it. We dwell. We drown in self pity. We can't seem find our way out of the prison we built for ourselves, when in reality all we have to do is open the door and walk out. We're the only ones preventing us from leaving. We hold the keys. But, We choose to be imprisoned, maybe not inentionally, but our mind's don't let us walk out. Our minds dont think it's possible, but once we've stepped out, we realize how easy it was all along. how the solution was there the whole time. SOmetimes we need a little shove to come to this realization, but with one little step it all comes clear. And within moments we're running out. And as easy as that, we break through our own jail cells and chains.

i've let this become my prison... if only i had the will power to get out.

Misunderstood

I've got ten thousand things to get done, but all I can bring myself to do is sit here and feel like shit. Sometimes, I just don't understand why people say the things they say. It's not worth it anymore. I'm trying so hard to not be the person I was before. I've got reasons for the way I am. I've got reasons I do the things I do and if they don't understand that I don't what I can do. I can't stand to watch my words and actions hurt one more guy. But after all that, after everything I say and do to prevent that, I don't deserve this. I know I'm not an angel, but i'm trying my hardest for THEM. No one gets it. Nobody at all.

Empty

i hate that empty feeling when your with someone that used to make you complete. That feeling of hollowness. Of longing and regret for what is gone and cannot be replaced.

"Sometimes, instead of taking other people for granted, we take ourselves. we sit back, and look at spectacular things happening right before our eyes, but don't jump to the opportunity to be a part of it. we deserve love, hope, and happiness, but we are SO focused on making others happy, that we forget about ourselves. we forget what happiness is, and what it truly means to be "happy." these people are the ones who deserve the best. because they are the ones who put their peacefulness behind others."

this always makes me think. That doesn't tie together at all. But it's what I'm thinking about, and therefore I'm posting it.

For I am Whole

Today at school, I got into a discussion with a friend about how long it takes to "get over" a breakup. She asked me something along the lines of, "well how long did it take you to get over him after that break up?". The question took me off guard. For a second, as our whole story, our whole history, our whole relationship...and its abrupt end flashed through my mind, I just looked at her. It's not something I think about often. In fact, until today, it hadn't crossed my mind for weeks. But nonetheless, there it was again. In the back of my mind. So, I allowed myself to think about it. To think back on it. The memories are easy to access. They're right there, as if behind a thin gossamer wall of sorts, just aching to be released. Nudging up against the barrier I determinedly keep up. I let them flood my mind. The first day I saw him, accompanied by the feeling that tingled within me at that moment, the day we met, the day we first kissed, the day we started dating, all the days in between, and finally, the day where it all came to a shrieking hault. The day when my world stopped rotating. The only day that really matters anymore. The bitter resentment, the aching heart, the sickness that filled my every limb, the confusion, the hurt. It's all so unreal to me now. And I wonder why I block even the littlest of thoughts of him out. Anyways, thinking about it made me also think about the fact that the whole ordeal is behind me now. Which is strange to think of when I replay the many days of tears and hopeless moping. But, each day I awoke with that burden, seemingly everpresent, upon my shoulders a little lighter than the night before. Each day I found myself smiling a little more. Each day the holes I felt within making progress on the healing front. Each day the hope inside me grew just a little more. And, here I am now. Whole again. Where at a point I had felt as if I would be forever in a million little pieces, I am whole. I am okay. He will always be a part of my past, my history. His impact on me and his imprint upon my heart will not go away, but the pain he caused did fade. For I am whole. For my world spins once again. For the ache no longer exists. For I am whole.

Oh the thoughts even the littlest of words and questions bring forth.

Raiiiiny Nights.

Mm I love rain. rainy nights and amazing movies.. what a good night. I saw He's Just Not That Into You, and i gotta say i absolutely loved it. Such a cute movie. Made some pretty accurate points, like about rules and exceptions. Hm which makes me think about whether I'm gonna be the rule or the exception... But mostly it made me say "awe" and such. I belive it is now my favorite movie. It made me think of Love Actually, which is another of my favorite movies so i suppose it makes sense that I liked it a whole lot. Whats even better is that it rained tonight, Gah. The smell of it in the air and ahh everything about it. I love rainy nights. I wanna be out there. Theres no point to this blog entry, I just felt the urge to write one. Random and pointless? I think so. But oh well.

"your embarassed? I just got cock blocked by my mom."

...Thirty Four

I did one of those clever "25 things about you that no one knows" (and then some) for Facebook, but when I came to the end of it, I realized I wasnt even brave enough to post it. Like it was too personal for me to share with the world. But I wanetd to do something with it, so I figured I'd put it here.

1. My biggest fear is disappointing myself. Not living up to my own expectations.

2. It hurts me more to hurt others then to be hurt by others.

3. I HATE TEXTING. Sure, i text all the time, but i hate it. Its good for some things, but its mostly just an annoyance. If it takes me three hours to reply to a text, don't be offended, i do it to everybody. That probably wont change. I just dont have enough time to sit and reply to texts as if its the only thing i have to do...

4. I will trust you. I trust everyone. I want to trust everyone.

5. I have an inclination towards learning things. I feel like if i dont pay attention in school for two minutes, I'll miss something important. Something life altering. Therefore, i am extremely attentive when it comes to school.

6. I love writing. I write constantly throughout the day, everyday. I've got thousands of ideas in my head, and writing is the only way to lay it all out and give it structure. Writing keeps me together. But i rarely share my writing. You gotta be one special person to read what i've written.

7. Negativity is my biggest pet peeve. If you dont open your mind to positivity, you'll miss out.

8. I am so easily put off, its ridiculous. I am privately over concerned at the slightest word or look.

9. My future is what keeps me going every day. The prospect of the life I could have is what I draw inspiration from.

10. I often find myself trying to dumb myself down in front of people.

11. I will always be scared of the big dinosaur creature in the "never ending story"

12. I'm always trying to be a better person. I always work towards some kind of self recreating goal. Not that i'm discontent with myself, but its more like I want to be the best version of myself.

13. I twirl my hair when i drink milk, since i was 5.14. I love talking to new people. I will talk to anyone. I am open to any new conversation. I get bored with the monotony of the normal conversation. OPEN MY MIND.

15. I have lost a great many of friends and not offered second chances. For most, no matter how great the friendship was, the first go at it is the only. 16. I am an easy person to abuse. To take advantage of. But i catch on to it sooner or later.

16. I am very resilient.

17. I mumble. You can hardly understand me on the phone.

18. I am constantly making jokes, but my mind is complex and my thoughts are deep. At any moment I can engage in a serious conversation.

19. I am NOT what you see.

20. Reading is my PASSION. The stories I read give me hope of a better life, and better people.

21. Double stuffed holiday oreos are my weakness.

22. My music taste is bizarre. I like just about every genre.

23. I'm a nerd. I read books like Eragon and Pendragon and no one knows that.

24. I take care of people. In most friendships, i assume that role. But boy, I need to be taken care of. It gets hard to never recieve that.

25. No one thinks I'm smart. In fact, every one things I cheat my way to straight A's, but its the exact opposite. I hate cheating. I work as hard as i can for my grades.

26. I will never give myself enough credit. NEVER.

27. I'm always moving. I cannot stand still. Whether it be tapping my foot or shaking my leg, or tapping my fingers.

28. I am very easily irritated. But i only show that around people I am close to.

29. I ask questions becuase i fear awkward silences. Ask me questions back. Or i wont feel comfortable talking to you.

30. I overdramatically yell everytime i drop something. Not on purpose. Itsj ust what comes out. I cant contain it.

31. I cant describe the feeeling when something irritates me. If one thing is off, it could be anything, and its often different every time, I get this feeling. That fills me up and makes me want to scream. I need a balance. I let my irritations get the best of me.

32. Im generally not an angry person. But, when i get angry i throw things and rip things. Which is rare, but true.

33. I use sarcasm to hide my discomforts. Put me in an awkward situation and my immediate reaction will be to use sarcasm. Its kinda like a shield for me. If i dont know what to say, or if I'm nervous or uncomfortable, it's like second nature. It just comes out. I dont even think about it. I feel like sometimes my sarcasm is translated as negativity, but really its not. I'd like to say im a generally positive person. I truly dont mean what i say in sarcastic tones. The funny thing is, when im truly comfortable with you and whatever friendship or relationship we're in, i am rarely sarcastic. Sure, its there, but its like a different me. Once we get past a certain point, I let my guards down, and with my guards comes my sarcasm. I'm not sure which me is better. I wonder if sarcasm is a way to make me look tougher, and give the impression that i'm not be screwed over or messed with. Becuase in reality, i'm so fragile and easily hurt. oh man..

34. I overuse appositives.

Take it or leave it.

haha carried away, but greatful nonetheless!

you know those nights where your suddenly greatful for all the good things in your life? Yeah, I'm having one of those nights.. so i figured i'd relish in it before I snap outta it... which will be soon i'm sure.



Anyways. I got to thinking earlier how happy I am that I have the friends that I have. My three closest friends are my WORLD. Last weekend, I hung out with a girl I just recently met, and it hit me... my closest friends are one of a kind. The fun I have and the things we do together are unlike anything I could do with anybody else. And i am so happy to know that I have these three people in my life that I can truly be myself in front of. I know people say that often enough, but I really feel like I could say or do anything in front of them and they'd still love me the next day. Hm. I got lucky with that. I couldnt ask for anything more. But back to hanging out with that girl, it made me realize what I have. That those kind of friendships are hard to come across. I am constantly misunderstood. My actions and words are misinterpreted daily. But these girls know how to read me. They know me. True, we have our tiffs and fallouts and all, but whats important is that we've made it through it all. Haha wow this sounds soppy and annoying. I guess I got carried away. Basically, I love my best friends.



oh man I'm lame...

it's funny what comes out of silly school assignments..

Creatures of the past,

sometimes haunting, sometimes daunting

Sometimes acrimonious words, reheard countless times in relentless memories

Sometimes life altering events and phone calls that changed it all,

times of consternation and disbelief

sometimes ignoble actions of the once loved but forgotten,

although never completely absent,

unable to escape the unyielding grip of the memory

Sometimes periods of time seeping with odium,

contempt and hatred laced deep within each moment remembered

Sometimes memories that bring forward fresh waves of regret whenever thought back on

and although attempts made at disavowing them are often made,the memory won't allow them to be disclaimed

For we are people that are susceptibile to these creatures of the past,

the creatures that haunt us

On the outside, a flawless and unhurt facade

giving a dispassionate appearance,

but memories so full of pain and remorse replay in the mind

Happiness and precious time interrupted and dissipated by memories not soon forgotten

Some memories, you wish to alter, but the mind won't allow that

the truth of the moment forever engrained in your memory

for you can impugn a memory, but the truest and darkest truths will always prevail within the depths of your mind and these creatures of the past will never cease to exist

Words?

...hm blogging. This is new. This could be a good thing. I'm not sure yet. Somewhere to put all my thoughts, all the things running through my head constantly, I believe thats what I need. No body will probably ever read this, but hey, its not for anyone but me. I don't exactly know where to start or what to say. I suppose it'll come to me...